second thoughts

I'm procrastinating (from packing, and cleaning, and moving)
it's part of my charm (lessness)
So I came to blog, but didn't really have anything to say. I start a lot of posts that I don't finish, and it's a funny thing to look through the half thoughts that are all stored up here. (well not here for you to see, but behind the blogger scenes)
some I start but can't finish cause I lose my train of thought or I never had one to begin with.
Some are rants that lose their passion the second words hit the screen, some are too emotional, too irrelevant, too candid, too pointed, too personal, too silly.
This is slowly becoming one of those posts.

while looking through all the ones that never made it, I found a post that only had a title.
"you're the reason people lose their minds"

I just thought it was funny, mostly cause I have no idea what or who I was talking about. It also says a lot me.
I'm just a bunch of fleeting thoughts and feeling.
Pay no attention.

So Long, Farewell, Auf wiedersehen, Goodnight

So tomorrow I pack up for the umpteenth time and head out again.
my Summer wardrobe (aka only wardrobe) is on it's last legs, pressed thumbs and crossed fingers that I get this job when I come back so that I can not die of hypothermia.

I don't know what kind of computer access I'll have over the next few weeks, so I'll be back to journaling the ol' fashioned way. pen to paper. I promise to fill you in when I can.

I'll leave you with the vocal styling of one Gavin Slate


you can check him out some more here :
http://www.myspace.com/gavinslate
and then go listen to his badass sister here :
http://www.myspace.com/madeleineslate

Happy B-Day B!!!

Dear Courtney.
not that it needs to be said.....well maybe one more time

I LOVE YOU!!!!!

HAPPPPY HAPPPPY HAPPPY BIRTHDAY






















Seriously though, we'll eff your shit up.

I change shapes just to hide in this place, but I'm still, I'm still an Animal

So I went to the Zoo. I was walking around and all of the animals were just laying/standing there. Even the never let you down Orangutans, leaning against the glass. I was unimpressed at first, I had been jipped! But really it's the animals that got jipped, they have no sense of measure these days either. Eat, Shit, Wait. I spent the rest of the afternoon relating.




I spent an entire hour watching the Elephants do a whole lot of nothing, but they are Brilliant. they knew it was near feeding time and waited at the door, the male elephant even knocked on it with his foot every few minutes. AMAZING ♥

Good Intentions VS. Free Beer

bets?

the search the search the endless search

its 1pm,
I've been awake just over an hour and already failed today. I slept through my alarm and missed yoga.
I have very little to base my life success on these days. Back home, though I wasn't climbing a corporate ladder, curing diseases, or really even doing anything worthwhile. I could happily at the end of the day, lay my head down to rest with a feeling of accomplishment. I had survived another day at work, without killing myself or anyone else. I had held my tongue when it was on fire with injustice, and managed to keep myself employed.
For those of you who never had the unique workplace experience(s) that I have, this may seem a bit drastic. Or for those of you who have, but can't imagine a retail environment that could inflict such an extreme reaction. I could provide several testimonies to the contrary.
The Little Shop of Horrors.
I digress. this isn't a hate piece. it's a help piece, or perhaps more accurately a help me piece.
These days here I have no sense of measure.
I don't mean to disappoint anyone, but, I'm not having the time of my life. I'm not complaining either. to be clear.
I'm just living.
Not having a job is. dreadful. sounds crazy, in lieu of the days where having one seemed to evoke the same kind of feeling, but any purpose is helpful, there are two sides and extremes to everything.
It's just odd.
I'm not a routine kind of girl. I struggle with the notion that there are certain steps to be taken in life. If there are, I've missed a couple. I worry about the future, but can't seem to find my way onto it's path. Until I realize that every step forward is just that.
I chose different names for myself daily, Lazy, Scared, Confused, Depressed, Crazy, Uninspired, Genius.
a modern day version of the seven dwarfs is living inside of me.
I know I could be/should be out everyday exploring all this place has to offer, but without the necessary skip in my step, it's all a little redundant. And I said the same back home everyday but rarely strayed from my home to work route. it just seems like less of a waste when you're home. Because home isn't going anywhere. In my defense, short of some freak nuclear bombing, Vienna isn't going anywhere either. I may be. but I'd like to leave a reason to return.
In just over a weeks time Anthony will be here, well not here, Munich and so will I.
here's the plan, for those interested and my mum as per request.

Sept 30th- Arrive in Munich - Oktoberfest!!
Oct 3th- Arrive in Florence (overnight train from Munich)
Oct 6th - Arrive in Rome (Vatican City, Ruins, ect)
Oct 10th - Arrive in Venice (Gondola rides)
Oct 12th - Fly to London! (change my opinion, see a show)
Oct 14th - Berlin (join a gang, fall in love)
Oct 19th - Bye Bye Anthony :( / Start work in Vienna?

I have to go get ready to meet up with some chick. Nadine, or Nadia, I'm not sure which, she's the one from the sliding doors post.


SHOUT OUTS:
Rachel: Yay!!!! I'm so happy for/ proud of you
Anthony: I can't wait to see your shinny smiley face in 3D
All members of Team B: 4 life babes 4 life

its funny cause its true

I've been awake and at it for hours now.
and somewhere
you're probably still sleeping.

I had this thought while riding my bike through the city today and it made me laugh so hard that I choked and almost fell ass over tea kettle*
I could explain further, but I think it's fair to say that you've been getting a whole lotta secret thoughts and truths from me lately. More than I would normally send spilling into the atmosphere.
plus this here. it's for me too. future me. grown up me. mommy me.
in case this elephant brain fails me. I'll know what I mean. that's enough, and for you this is words to read, like the newspaper over breakfast. does it really matter what it says?

I got mega lost today on my bike. which turned my leisure ride through the city, into a 2 and a half hour search for my way back. well I suppose the first half hour I knew where I was. crossing bridges is a bad idea.
my internal compass is bust. (I need a new one, made of ink and imagination)
Last night I was supposed to go to see some more BFF screenings, but I feel asleep on the couch at about 10 (I know right) and kinda sorta slept all the way to this morning**
I could very easily fall asleep right now and wake just in time for Anthony to show up, but I have this overwhelming craving for a hamburger, so I'm gonna pretty myself up and head to my almost work place and eat and then watch the final 2 programs at BFF. Original plan was to hit the after party tonight since I skipped Friday and slept through last night, but I've been struck down with lameness and will likely just come home to sleep. I don't want to go and scare it off again, since it's decided to give me a second chance.

I'm trying to stop. but I've been listening to Use Somebody all day. sometimes this version
how do you like that for some truth,

this post, possible proof that boredom + lack of human contact destroys more brain cells than alcohol + pot.

* this gem of an expression stolen from the lovely and talented Krista Martin
** did I mention that Thursday I didn't sleep at all? like me falling asleep at 10 pm Friday was really me going to bed after waking up on Thursday morning. I mean...

All Babes are Wolves

I forgot what I came here for. but it's 230 am, so i'm not at my best.
I'm still awake, cause sleep and I broke up 2 months ago, and it won't return my calls.
I also have to pee.
and I hate this fucking bed and it's shitty proximity to the floor and I'd hate it even if my ankles were made of steel.

tonight was bike races, internet dates and face painted footballers serenading me on my way home.
When I got home and since nothing was open I made the only food I had. plain rice. but I added cream cheese for flavor. it tasted like a poor mans mac and cheese.


the rabbit hole

once you're in you're in.

Chocolate Easter Bunny

Today I sat in a magic park, of green lawns and water fountains, Buildings that seemed to be sticking their chests out with pride. "look how wonderful we are" they said, and I nodded in agreement.
I watched a group of modern day hippies, gesticulating wildly so you could feel their sincerity from across the pond. They talked about politics, about literature, about music, about love. They vowed to keep their locks forever.
Then bowling pins started cascading across the landscape in perfect rhythm, and all the pigeons turned in to multicoloured doves.

was I really here? was this really happening?

I plunged in and out of my book, the scenes in front of me, reality.

I dreamed of all the people I wanted to be, none of them who I was, or probably even capable of being. I fought against time and geography wishing you all here, or me there. I was happy to be alone in my private wonderland, yet couldn't help but scan the lawn for a familiar face or a Cheshire Cat.
I was overwhelmed with sensation, drowned in dramatic sentiments, crawling with ants, sinking into the moist grass.
I felt so full that I covered my mouth to keep from projectile vomiting thoughts and feelings everywhere.
I walked the streets, not knowing where I was, occasionally ignoring the landmarks in their attempts to tip me off. I was lost in thought and lost in body, I welcomed the rare fluidity of these two opposing forces.
took mental pictures, scribbling mental notes below them.
How everything was so beautiful and so unsettling. this is someones world. everyday. not mine. I am displaced. momentarily. long term, who knows.
I just keep walking, trying to exhaust myself into sleep. To shut my eyes and store all of my moments, that they might ferment together inside of me, making shape of my future.
Time passes, and I can't stay lost. I've been here too long to pretend.

of all the ways to go

death by spooning.

tip of the day: always leave your shoes right by the door for a quick getaway.

I call BS db bahn, on your single rider fare. your lies don't impress me, nor do your overpriced muffins and weak tea.

Hey, bring it on grey clouds. my sunnies were tired of always going out anyway.
Tomorrow I have an interview and am back on the yoga train.
my good habits took a 3 day weekend.

sometimes it feels like I'm melting, sometimes I wish I was.
kind of like Alex Mac.

oh, and when I do come home. there won't be any questions. you'll hear me coming.

good things are on the way folks

like this:
and this:







currently suffering from: third degree burns to the roof of my mouth.
thanks gross pizza. thanks.

currently thinking: I have the best, best friend in the world.
sorry everyone else.


scattered thoughts. they have to come out some way.


I'm also trying to fill out a job application and can't think of one productive thing I've ever done. this probably doesn't count eh?

Sliding Doors

this is like the time that Rapunzel had to spin the straw into gold,
only I have to spin crazy into words and there's no little man here to help me. (which is probably a good thing, cause that would be a whole other level of crazy)

So I pretty much have crazy thoughts running through my head all the time.
In addition to the crazy shit that often comes out of my mouth there's this whole other container of nuts that I keep to myself.
I just don't really know how to explain it.
* an unbelievable amount of time has passed while I've been thinking of how to write this down, adding to the 50 minute bus ride that I had to think about it.

Sliding doors:

Whenever I make a decision, left, right, this subway car, that one. stop to tie my shoe. I wonder.
what if
what if I had gone the other way, not stopped to tie my shoe, didn't have a sudden bout of diarrhea?
would my life be completely different?!
I know I'm not the only one who thinks like this, it kinda goes along with the everything happens for a reason thought process. But I think about this ALL THE TIME.
to the point where I often spend hours day dreaming about my parallel lives. I think about a world of opposite decisions, which by default would split infinitely, every fork would produce another set of choices, like when two mirrors face each other.


You can maybe see here where the crazy sets in.
So I decide today to go out.
Scroll the web for something to do, and there's this website I found that lists a variety of lesser known, but cool things to do in Vienna. I also got an email from some dude from Travelbuddy (yaya) with some suggestions. Well there's this bar called Chelsea that he mentions and it's also on this site (and has been one of my favorite names since I was a kid, so it stood out right away)
I decide I'm going to go and was planning on leaving at 10 ish, to check it out, grab a drink and then head back before the subway stops at 12:30. This bar is in a kinda trendy bar area which is a ways out for me, not super far, but I have to switch lines twice.
So for those of you who know me well, if I say 10 I usually mean 11 (ok fine, 12), even if the only person I'm telling is myself. I dilly dally like the best of them.
So I finally leave around 11 and get to the station which is about a 3 min walk from my place and just as I'm about to step on the escalator I have this panic feeling that I didn't lock the door. I hover over the first step and contemplate turning back, eventually convincing my OCD to back the fuck down and I get on with it. (I did lock the door, I always lock the door, and I always have to go back and check)
So I get to the platform and wait, then some old, half (if not 3/4 of the way) in the bag man starts talking to me, I tell him I don't understand German very well, but he continues to slur out conversation.
So I'm on the train and because of the many lines of this lovely transit system I have options on which way to go. I'm thinking that I switch over at the green line rather than the orange since it's a stop closer to me getting this man off my back, but decided to stick it out the extra stop since I need to grab cash and this way will take me to a bigger station where there's bound to be an ATM.
Get off, switch lines. orange to brown - Westbahnhoff.
I get off here and go to use the ATM, but it's filthy, like I'm pretty sure there's some strain of hepatitis just waiting for a carrier on the keypad.
So I skip it and hope that there's one when I get off.
there isn't.
I carry on to my stop, quick reference the map and head towards where I think the bar will be. It's not like Toronto at all. even the busy streets are relatively quite and I reach the bar before an ATM, so I keep going assuming I'll find one eventually. After walking a bit and up and down a few streets I decided to ask, it's 11:45 and I get closer to a pumpkin by the minute. So I ask the hot dog guy and he directs me down some street.
I go get money and make my way back, when I get to Chelsea, I go to the bathroom. I know these seem like really insignificant things, (like telling you about what I had for dinner) but there's a point, at least in reference to this particular rant. I was going to go straight to the bar, but the washrooms are right when you enter and I figured, I may as well go now since I'm right here. They were occupied and I had to wait a bit (see- significant).
Post washroom I enter and immediately there's a bar to my right, but I decide to go further in and hit the main bar, so I can check the place out more, and there's more people. I go to the main bar and spend a few minutes looking around and scoping it out. Then I move to the right to order, Vodka Water - what else?
Well, Europe hasn't heard of Vodka waters yet, and I decide after checking out the bartender that she's not in the mood for my drink order, so I make my way over to the left to check out the fridge and get the name of a beer so I don't look like a total foreigner. Two people are in front of me ordering and then taking their sweet ass time to move - I silently curse them. Then as they turn to leave I recognize the girl. She moved into my hostel room (Wombats, where I met Sarah) on the Saturday night as well, but I only met her on the Sunday and only just in passing had a few words with her.
Seriously. How effing random (in an attempt to keep this blog mother friendly I like to limit my actual swears)
She was staying at the hostel for a few days while looking for a place in Vienna as she starts school in October. In the meantime she went back to wherever she's from (somewhere in Germany) and had just came back to Vienna today, then had made plans with some dude she met in some other random scenario (that's just too much to explain right now) and they'd arrived almost the exact same time that I did, placing them in front of me at the bar at that exact moment.
So I spent the night with them, it was tame, since by the time all of this took place it was already midnight (I ended up missing the subway and taking a bus) so we only had a drink, but Nadia (that's the girl) and I made plans to meet up tomorrow.

So you see? all I could think about the whole night is, what if I had left when I said I was going to, or turned back to check the door? What if I had gotten off to avoid wino? What if I had chosen to risk my health and use that Atm, or to put my bladder to the test? What if I wimped out and didn't go out at all? (shout out to Marce and Steve for the encouragement)

And I know you could pretty much say that about every situation in life, which would just be crazy, but that brings us right back to the beginning, to how I'm a fair ways into crazy town.

that's all really.

(are you thinking about what your life would be like if you hadn't of wasted 10 minutes reading this nonsense blog?)

it's about time I head to not sleep. Hope you all are having a great weekend.

p.s. I took a break from thinking about all of this, to think about how sweet it would be to come home and share a bowl of alphagetti with bread and butter. it's been a long time since I woke up with a burnt tongue.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMAR!!!!

xoxoxox

Home again, Home again, Jiggity Jig

Soooo yesterday on my wanderings I went to Naschmarkt. Imagine if the St. Lawrence Market and Kensington Market got married. This would be their love child.
I can't do Markets, I try, I want to be one of those people, really. I just find it too overwhelming, it's also why I've never been good at thrift shops or flea markets. I just like to walk through them and pretend, I look at things with interest and move on. It's pretty much my approach to all things in life.

I also went to Flo Vintage. some mega renowned shop that's been open for 30 years. It's tiny but amazing and I cursed my wallet for being so empty in the presence of the most fantastic black and gold lace cocktail dress circa 1930.

http://www.smh.com.au/travel/the-allure-of-vintage-couture-20090813-ejvz.html


currently reading this:

and listening to this: Moneen- The World I Want to Leave Behind

I hope you brought your EpiPen

So I finally got my hands on some Peanut Butter. Scratch that, I got my hand on some peanut butter. Smallest jar ever, tucked away like it was chronic in a hooka bar.
all for the bargain price of 2 euro .19

random unfiltered though of the day:
if I were a Beaner (aka a Lezy) I would go to yoga just for the locker room.
I mean, is it me or is it hot in here ladies? (get it? cause it's hot yoga....yeah...)

it's 11 am

well almost. and I've been up for an hour.
the good news, I probably fell asleep somewhere around 2ish last night this morning.
so my insomnia is slowly retreating (i hope)
I'm going to spend the day outside. Fresh air and I haven't been getting the quality time in that we deserve.

I will however leave you with this. partially because it's lovely and partially so that I always know just where to find it.

Lykke Li & Bon Iver doing 'Dance Dance Dance' in L.A from Lykke Li on Vimeo.

This is not a poem, poems are dull, they make you sleep

I haven't slept in years now
except for those few nights when the snow was falling
that I leapt out of my skin
and while the moon was out
my body was still
worn out

days rolling in and out of each other
won't send me to sleep
not the wind or rain
not the sun coming round
not your face or your laugh

crawl across the ocean floor, up through my window
read me poems to sleep
bring back the stars in the sky and my eyes
reset the beat of my clock and my heart



oh the irony of a red bull keeping me up at night.



this one:
Not this one:

there's a lot of things I want right now...

But what I need is a hair cut.



on another note, these pictures were taken back to back. proof that the sun changes every thing.

Oh hey 4:30 am

I guess it's cool if you show up,
I mean I was trying to sleep...

INSOMNIA

like flannel pajamas on christmas eve

I forget how good it feels until I slip in.

it's been forever and ever but then the other day I heard this mentioned, and then today I saw it again and now i'm off to the grocery store to get all the fixings for a lovely afternoon in with an old friend.
if you don't know what this is, someone failed at your childhood.

Sweet sleepless, tumbling night

today I said,
I would sleep
things I haven't yet found on my journey;

self control

I also said, no more popsicles

In my defense, I was so close and then the wind and rain came knocking at my window and it reminded me of this song I once knew and it made me want to dance around.

plus this bed is too big and too high
and I'm too small and too sober

if you were here...when you get here...things can be just right

I've had a fair bit of time to spend listening which is why I haven't been reading
I can't seem to swallow silence these days.
When the sun comes back and the rain retreats until it's needed again, I'll head to the Palace gardens and read among the noises of the world spinning.
until then I'll be listening to this.

http://www.myspace.com/imogenheap

I dare you to tell me it's not the music equivalent to drinking champagne

how could I forget.

I also fell in love with this

http://www.myspace.com/thebronx


(ya ya ya. I never said you were wrong)

Islands don't dream of Cities like Us

It's been a while I know.
sorry I've just been busy falling in love

this city is magical.
everyone has their place
Vienna is mine.

the history
the architecture
the orange pear popsicles

So it started on Friday with a train in to Vienna,
sweaty walk to my Hostle(Wombats Base), it's like 36 degrees out blazing sun
I'd be stoked if not for my 2 backpacks, laptop bag, and suitcase that I'm carrying.
booked a 4 person room (all girl cause they come with hair dryers). I get to my room and open the door, the girl lying on the bottom left bunk stirs, looks at me, then rolls back over onto the bed.
Awkwardly I say hello and she says nothing.
good start.
3 of the 4 beds were taken, so I throw my stuff on the top right, grab my laptop and head to the lobby for some free WLAN and the toilet since ours was in use by unfriendly number 2. Got a text from the dude who's apartment I'd be renting for September to meet up at 6:30. I spent the next few minutes figuring out how to get there and I was off. Now I had to pay the months rent and I had only 200 Euro on me and needed another 300. well here's the thing, I have a daily limit off 500$ CDN! conversion. right. which I didn't put together until I was at the bank machine being told my limit was exceeded. took out 310 paid him and was left with 10 euro. I'd been traveling all day and was starving. Friday night, 10 euro to see me til morning.
So I head to the middle of the city and find a patio restaurant have a seat and gander, figuring at this point that I'll treat myself to a nice dinner courtesy of MasterCard.
I sit, order an appy and a bottle of water. as the waiter brings my drink it occurs to me to ask if they indeed take MC, I assume that they do, but it never hurts to ask.
I ask if they take credit cards. they do. Visa. ONLY.
lucky for me I had just enough to cover my order which I sheepishly downed and then off I went to illegally ride the ubahn since I was now completely BROKE.

Head back to my hostel. it's nine, I'm exhausted, underfed and overheating.
go to my room and lay down for a bit, contemplate back and forth about using my drink ticket and my emergency 5er on a few drinks at the hostel pub.
I decide to at least go check my emails in the lobby and at the same time scout out the scene.
head down and get struck with stage fright.
what the fuck am I going to do?
just walk in there and start talking to people?

- for anyone who thought the following when reading that:
a) uh, yeah
b) of course
c) sure why not
d) what else would you do

well I have some choice words for you, but because I love you, I'll keep them to myself and instead just say. If you think its as easy as answers a-d, you try it.
go into a Bar where you won't know anyone and just start making conversation with a random person - who may not even speak English.

Anyway so after an unconvincing yet appreciated pep talk (thanks again) I go in, order a drink and have an awkward seat at the bar between two groups of people and sip my free glass of red (ya I said red Momar, I may never go back) eventually some random dude from New York started talking to me, he was traveling alone too and pretty much just told me to suck it up and talk to people everywhere, on the trains in the streets. You've got nothing to lose and the alternative is just plain boring.
Now I may not remember his name, but his sage advise I'll carry through my travels.

Okay
Vienna day 2
lay in bed until all 3 other girls are gone, the 2 unfriendlies from yesterday pack and leave. I get up shower and loaft around a bit and then decide to do the one thing that will surely lift my spirits. Go (window) Shopping, I get dressed and head out to a shocking change in temperature.
it's dropped to about 10 degrees and is rainy/windy.
I shop/wander about for a few good hours and then head back to the Hostel where they are holding their 10 year anniversary party which includes free beer and bbq from 4-6 followed by happy hour at the pub and then a DJ and shindig at the other Hostel down the street. I get back to my room about quarter to 5 to put away my coat and bag freshen up and head down.
Get to my room and there's a girl sleeping on the newly vacant bottom bunk, she slightly raises her head when I enter with a nod to greet me and lays it back down.
"Great" I think, "another gem"
but then I remember the Americans advice and start talking to her.
turns out she's Irish, and super friendly, also traveling on her own and we get to chatting.
I'm not sure if it's cause we vibe well or because I haven't really talked to anyone in ages but the conversation goes lovely, so much in fact that I'm almost missing my free food.
with minutes to spare I leave her to get showered and I run down to get some BBQ and Beer.
Meet some girl in line - from Mississauga - she's on a Contiki tour with a group of 45 who are staying at the hostel. We chat for the next half hour while waiting on the freezing cold patio for our food. (see - nothing in life is really free)
So I head down with my food, my line friend has to jam to hit up some concert with the group and I sit at a table with a few people. They're all deep in conversation, so I sit and eat while scanning the room for Sarah (my new roomie) she finally joins me and at some point we engage with the table - who are also from the Contiki group but opted out of the festivities.

Long story short, we partied up with the some of the Contiki group (who were mostly Aussies - and i'm pretty sure they're taking over the world)

Spent two lovely days exploring all the corners of Vienna with Sarah*. Don't believe me? come feel my nice firm ass.
took in the sights and a slightly misleading musical performance of Motzart and Johann Strauss featuring some Opera singers and ballet. Notably missing any form of Waltz -which we specifically went for . lovely none the less.

I am currently sitting in my temporary pad, which is bitchin and bad ass all wrapped in one.
only downfalls of this place,
1- my bed is loft style and requires stair climbing to get to and from it, which my abnormally small bladder does not enjoy.
2- I have no one to share in the splendor of its wickedness, yet.

Other than that, I've taken up hot yoga, which is exactly what it sounds like. yoga, HOT.
and I've just come from watching Inglorious Bastards. Quentin you remain a consistent genius (and simultaneous fashion victim) - if you haven't seen this movie. please do. as a personal favor to me, enrich your life and have a laugh**Sarah and I having champagne during intermission of culturefest '09


Sarah and I, view from the Gloriette overlooking Schonbrunn Palace

* it must be mentioned, that this girl was/is awesome and the vibe was no reflection of my desperation for companionship, officially the first friend I met on my travels
** Mum, you might be the exception to the rule, I don't think you'd enjoy this film very much